


Everytime We Touch (I get this feeling)

by Jinx72



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Almost Dying, Angst, Exactly 2 Swears, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Internalised Self Doubt, Intrusive Thoughts, Little Bit Body Horror/Disturbing Imagery, Mentions of suicide/death, Standard sort of Remus-induced thoughts, Starvation, Swearing, Sympathetic Deceit, Sympathetic Remus, Touch Starved Patton, just be careful yall, self hatred, suidical thoughts, touch starvation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-21
Updated: 2019-07-21
Packaged: 2020-07-10 06:45:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,843
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19901503
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jinx72/pseuds/Jinx72
Summary: Posting by Popular Demand (???) because Tumblr refused to work lmaoSO based on Lallyphant's idea:What if touch is just as essential as food to Patton, and when he gets touch starved, he literally starves?Patton never mentioned it, but when the others get fed up of Patton always clinging to them, they find out the hard way why he does that.---Patton strove to be many things. A nuisance was not one of them.He loved his family. He loved how hard everyone tried with each other. He loved their quirks and habits and would do anything for them.Those limits were beginning to be pushed, however.He sat on the sofa rubbing his hands up and down his arms as Roman, the last of the group to go upstairs to bed after movie night, got up from the couch and ruffled his hair as he went by.“G’night, Pat,” he said, just loud enough to cover up the desperate squeak that left Patton’s lips at the contact.“Goodnight, Roman,” Patton forced out, smiling as the prince ascended the stairs.He felt a little less cold now.





	Everytime We Touch (I get this feeling)

**Author's Note:**

> Hey y'all! If you're the kind of person who liked audio books and wants to listen as you read, you're in luck! My friend DragonSaphiraReads did a reading of this, and you can find it here:  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G6tF17bOLUQ  
> They did a splendid job with the reading, and I drew the thumbnail! Hope y'all enjoy. :)
> 
> \---
> 
> Also, hey! On a side note, I recently discovered this was reposted on another site without my knowledge or consent. PLEASE DO NOT POST MY WORK ONTO OTHER SITES, FULL STOP. It's been dealt with but it was actually quite upsetting? Please know that if I intended for my works to be on other sites like wattpad or fanfiction.net, I would have posted them there myself.   
> Thank you, and enjoy the fic.

Patton strove to be many things. A nuisance was not one of them.

He loved his family. He loved how hard everyone tried with each other. He loved their quirks and habits and would do _anything_ for them.  
Those limits were beginning to be pushed, however.  
He sat on the sofa rubbing his hands up and down his arms as Roman, the last of the group to go upstairs to bed after movie night, got up from the couch and ruffled his hair as he went by.  
“G’night, Pat,” he said, just loud enough to cover up the desperate squeak that left Patton’s lips at the contact.  
“Goodnight, Roman,” Patton forced out, smiling as the prince ascended the stairs.  
He felt a little less cold now.

There were a few ins and outs as to how the sides _worked_ in their own individual ways that they hadn’t exactly disclosed to each other yet. Patton didn’t want to rush in, busting down everyone’s walls and discovering everyone’s secrets, but he was getting a little tired of keeping his under wraps.  
But Logan wasn’t touchy-feely.  
Too much contact could overwhelm Virgil.  
Roman was often ‘too busy’ to stop.  
And Patton didn’t really want to reach out any further than that.  
His arms wrapped around his stomach as it growled.  
“C’mon,” he told it firmly. “We’re fine. I’m fine. Let’s go eat something.”  
Eating something kind of helped. But it did nothing to the true hunger that plagued him.  
Patton put it out of mind as best he could and trudged up to bed, wrapping himself in blankets and surrounding himself with stuffed toys and trying to remember what real touch felt like.

Every time, mornings got harder.  
Patton’s eyes cracked open slowly, and the first thing he realised was that he forgot to change out of yesterday’s clothes before he fell into bed.  
The second thing he realised was that he couldn’t be bothered to change.  
That was fine. It didn’t stink, and it didn’t seem to crumpled.  
Patton fought the sitting-up battle and won, eventually. That hunger gnawed away at him mercilessly, and he found himself doubling over with a quiet groan.  
Maybe today, they wouldn’t mind.  
Patton wrapped his cardigan around his shoulders, before realising that he was still so damn cold. So he made an exception today, and put it on properly.  
Tugging the hood up, it almost felt like an embrace.  
It was a lot looser than he remembered.

Patton finally managed to get out of bed and trudged downstairs, hugging himself tightly. It seemed he had missed the general communal time, where everyone tended to have breakfast around the same time. Virgil was on the couch, headphones on. Logan sat at the dining table, a notebook and a few textbooks open in front of him, which he was annotating and writing studiously. Roman was doing the dishes. Or rather, he’d just finished, and was putting the last plate away.  
At the sight of him, Virgil’s eyes lit up, and he pushed back his headphones.  
“Hi, Patton,” he said.  
Patton blinked in surprise. He’d been so caught up in his own head that somehow, he’d forgotten everyone would be downstairs.  
Wattage up to full, Pat.  
He beamed back at Virgil. “Morning, kiddo!” he chirped back, trying to bound down the last of the stairs like he usually did, but stumbled instead.  
“Woah!”  
He wasn’t sure when the floor ended up so close, but all of a sudden he was on his hands and knees.  
“Pat?!” he heard Virgil exclaim, and scrambling feet soon heralded the dark, warm silhouette crouched over him. “Are you alright?”  
“Yeah!” Patton lied cheerfully, sitting back on his thighs and smiling. “Sorry for the scare, there, Virgil! Just… got a little dizzy at the end there.”  
Virgil examined him, eyes scrutinizing with unerring intensity.  
“You’re looking a little pale, there, Pops,” he commented, reaching out to help Patton up.  
Patton had to prevent himself from collapsing into the touch as Virgil placed a hand on his back and gripped his elbow, helping him to stand. He couldn’t stop himself from reaching out and steadying himself on Virgil’s shoulder.  
God, he was so _warm_.  
He did his best to laugh. “I haven’t been sleeping too great,” he told him, which was not necessarily a lie. “And, well, I’ve been cooped up inside for a while, I think! Probably doesn’t help.”  
“In that case, Patton,” Roman called from the kitchen as he folded the tea towel away. “You should come on an adventure with me later. Get some sunshine.”  
“That might be a good idea,” Virgil agreed, his dark eyes shining with concern.  
Patton’s grip tightened. He felt like Virgil was about to pull away.  
_Don’t_ , he wanted to say.  
“Yeah,” he found himself agreeing. “That’d be lovely.”  
Virgil helped him over to the dining table, hovering like he was afraid Patton was going to fall again, before pulling out a seat for him.  
“Thanks, kiddo,” Patton told him with a smile, sitting down. “I’ll be fine.”  
Virgil went back to his seat with a concerned glance, but Patton waved him off.  
He would be fine.  
His stomach growled.  
He found himself wrapping his arms around his middle.  
“You should eat,” Logan said, without really looking up.  
“Yeah,” Patton agreed, staring down at the table. “In a moment.”  
His breath was coming in quiet wheezes. He regretted coming downstairs.  
He noticed Logan freeze a little, before looking up at him.  
“Patton?”  
His voice was so soft.  
“I’m fine,” Patton repeated with a smile, because if he repeated it enough, and smiled enough, it’d be true.  
Logan frowned at him, and Patton’s heart dropped because now he’d _upset_ him, good on you, Pat!  
Logan rose from his seat. Patton watched him, unable to keep the panic out of his eyes. He watched the side enter the kitchen, and his eyes fell to the table again. He was trying not to tear up. His arms wrapped around himself tightly.  
A moment later, a bowl of cereal was placed down in front of him with surprising gentleness. Patton’s head shot up.  
Logan stood over him, extending a spoon to him.  
“You need to eat,” he said softly. “You look like you’ve lost weight.”  
Patton tried not to flinch at that, accepting the spoon quickly. “Oh, no,” he tried to laugh. “I sleep in this cardy sometimes, I think that stretched it out, so it’s bigger than I remember.”  
Logan’s eyebrow quirked. “Are you lying to me, Patton?” he asked, tone hardening. His hand was on the table, just a couple centimetres away from Patton’s. Patton could so easily grab it right now.  
“I wouldn’t lie to you, Logan,” Patton replied, equally as firm. “I’m eating, I swear.”  
To prove his point, Patton’s attention shifted to the bowl, and its contents were gone in only a few minutes.  
It did nothing to stave off his hunger.  
But Logan’s face looked less pinched with concern. “I trust you, Patton,” he stated, sliding back around the table back to his research. “And I trust that you’ll tell us when something’s wrong.”  
Patton nodded in agreement. “Of course,” he chirped. “What are you working on?”  
He leant over the table to read some of Logan’s notes as Logan began to explain.  
“Well, for some reason, Thomas has had some interest in such psychological phenomenon such as touch starvation,” Logan began to explain. “So I thought I would take this opportunity to “jump down the rabbit hole,” as some might say.”  
_Touch starvation_.  
Patton’s mouth dried out.  
He was influencing Thomas that much?  
Was he _that_ obvious?  
…  
Maybe he could end it now. Maybe he could just tell Logan, who was developing an understanding.  
But Logan was busy. He’d learnt the hard way that Logan hated being interrupted whilst he studied. And he could tell from the frustrated edge to Logan’s voice that he didn’t really want to recap all this to an outsider.  
“Well,” Patton interrupted. “It sounds very important, Logan. I won’t disturb you.”  
Logan, bless him, at least _tried_ to look apologetic, but Patton could see the relief in his eyes. So he stood, bracing himself on the table and trying to pretend the world wasn’t spinning for a couple moments, before scooping up his bowl and carrying it to the kitchen.  
On his way out, he grabbed a box of snacks to take to his room, as if it would help.  
Maybe it would, this time.

It didn’t help.  
He just succeeded in getting crumbs in his bed, without the energy to remove them. Patton heaved a great sigh, tears threatening to leak out from under his glasses when there came a knock on his door. He could hear the humming of Disney songs from the other side.  
“Who is it, tapping, tapping, tapping at my chamber door?” he called, wiping his eyes a second before the door opened, revealing a smiling Roman.  
“Edgar Allen Poe? Very classy,” the prince complimented, flicking on Patton’s lights with a grand gesture.  
Patton buried his face in a pillow without thinking. The light hurt his head.  
“Patton,” Roman said, bounding across the room and coming to a halt at his bedside. “You can’t stay in bed all day!”  
“Sorry, kiddo,” he mumbled into his pillow, not looking up. “I’m just tired.”  
He didn’t miss the softening of Roman’s voice.  
“Hey, if you want to sleep now, we could go tomorrow,” he offered, sitting on Patton’s bed and putting a hand on Patton’s back. Even through the blankets, it burned.  
“Or even on Friday. No rush, padre.”  
“Thanks, Ro,” Patton mumbled, those tears escaping silently and unseen into the pillow. “I might take you up on that.”  
Roman leant down and gave Patton a kiss on the head. Patton tried to hold back his audible gasp at that.  
_More,_ he wanted to beg. _Please don’t leave me like this.  
_But he didn’t open his mouth.  
“In your own time, Pat,” Roman smiled, before getting up and heading for the door. He lingered in the doorway, switching the light off. Patton twisted around to watch him go, darkness hiding his grief.  
“You alright?”  
_No.  
_“Yeah,” Patton told him. “Have fun on your adventure, kiddo.”  
“Sure you don’t want to come?”  
Patton swallowed hard.  
“I really don’t think I can right now,” he said, his tone so level that he could almost imagine Logan would be impressed.  
“Alright,” Roman replied softly. “Look after yourself, Pat. Love you.”  
The door closed softly, but firmly behind him.  
Patton could only hold it for a few seconds before the floodgates opened and he was left to openly sob into his pillow at the gnawing _pain_ that laced through him and seemed to never cease.

He must’ve dozed off, because next thing he knew, he was dreaming.  
He dreamt that he was standing over his own emaciated body, watching skin shrivel and body crumple until he was literally just a skeleton.  
He dreamt that Roman came in to check on him, like he said he would. He dreamt the most horrible screams, the tears, the way the others ran into the room and Patton was _dead_ and couldn’t comfort Virgil as the side frantically shook his shoulders and begged him to come back. He dreamt he crumbled to dust in Virgil’s hands.  
_“Wouldn’t that be a shame?”_ a voice crooned in Patton’s ear. _“But absolutely fascinating to see how they might react. Would they cry? Would they miss you? Would they care?”_  
Patton screwed his eyes closed, his hands in his hair, screaming, trying anything to distract himself from the pale faces of his nightmare.  
_“Would they notice?”_ the voice asked. _“Would they indulge you if you requested? Would they turn you away? Oh, the speculation! Patton, I haven’t had this much fun in_ ages!”  
The last word felt like a scream, one that resonated around and around so loud it shattered his glasses and Patton bolted upright in bed drenched in sweat with a cry on his lips.  
As he gasped for air, he realised who was by his bedside.  
He screamed at the sight of Remus’ unnerving, unchanging smile.  
“What if you asked, and they saved you?” Remus asked, the transition between waking and dream seeming not to phase him. “What if you asked, and they hated you? What if you’ll die without knowing?”  
“Please!” Patton gasped, his hands over his ears but Remus’ words seem to wiggle straight into his brain. “Please, stop!”  
“All this emotional turmoil, Patton? It’s basically a _breeding ground_ for my sort of thing,” Remus crowed, making some sort of lewd gesture that Patton tried to block out.  
“Not right now, Remus, _please,”_ he begged, and the tears were flowing and nothing he could do blanked the terrible images scarred into his retinas.  
“Whether you want to indulge me or rebuke me,” Remus said, reaching out and slapping Patton on the shoulder in a horribly _wonderful_ tingling burning warmth that Patton _hated_ he needed, “You can only do something about me if you take _action_ , my dear father figure.”  
Patton froze up a little, before he found himself staring at Remus in something close to awe.  
“Did you just give me… profound advice?” he queried, face twisting in perplexment.  
“Take it while it lasts,” Remus advised, clapping him on the shoulder again. “Can I have your deodorant?”  
Patton rubbed his face tiredly. “Yeah, alright,” he grumbled. “Whatever. Take your pick.”  
Remus ambled over to Patton’s dresser and started looking through his different deodorants. Patton had a few; he liked the different smells.  
“Oooh, _cucumber.”_  
“Remus, what time is it?”  
“ _Mango,_ how exotic. Oh?” His head snapped around, already chewing on a bar. Patton winced, but forced himself not to look away.  
“Oh, it’s, like, the middle of the night,” Remus said, turning back to the shelf. “Why else would I be here? I’m not allowed up here in the clean part. Gotta sneak around, you know?”  
“Huh,” Patton said, leaning back against the backboard. “That’s kinda mean of us, huh?”  
“Oh, no, I’m a menace,” Remus commented idly, holding up a label to read what it said. “It would most likely not be beneficial for like… _everyone,_ if I were around a lot.”  
Patton stared at the back of Remus’ head, his greying hair barely visible in the darkness.  
“Are you okay, Remus?” he asked, with such a tone that the duke turned around immediately. “You’re being surprisingly… _lucid.”_  
“Like I said, emotional turmoil,” Remus replied, scooping up about five of Patton’s deodorants. “I guess it gives me something to… focus on? I dunno.”  
“Does Roman do this too?” Patton found himself asking, and felt bad for the flinch it got out of the dark side of Creativity.  
“Uh. Yes,” Remus offered, eyes flicking to the door. “But only for positive feelings.”  
Patton blinked. That… made sense, he supposed.  
“I get all the negative because that’s what I am,” Remus shrugged. “Bad.”  
Patton felt a stab of guilt at that.  
“Well!” Remus hefted his haul into his arms more securely. “Good luck! Don’t die! Lovely talk. Ta ta!”  
And before Patton could say a word otherwise, the side breezed out of the room, and the door slammed shut behind him.  
Patton wrapped his arms around his stomach and wondered what on earth had just happened.

Somehow, after all that, he had managed to fall asleep again. But he woke, fitfully, with images of horror and grief flashing behind his eyelids.  
Again, something was off when he opened his eyes.  
Mostly, his desktop lamp was on.  
He turned his head towards the soft glow, and saw someone clothed in black lounging at his desk, reading a book.  
“Virge…?”  
The person turned their head towards him, and Patton could see the glow of one yellow eye even from here.  
“Oh.”  
Deceit stared at him for a beat, before delicately putting his book down and scooting the chair over to Patton’s bedside. Patton couldn’t stop himself from shying away.  
There was disappointment in Deceit’s eyes.  
Patton hugged himself tightly. He couldn’t even die right, could he?  
“What do you want?” he snipped, refusing to look up at the side.  
“Do you want me to be Virgil?” Deceit asked, and Patton’s head shot up in shock. He knew what Deceit’s lies sounded like. They sounded like honey. Sweet, cloying. Choking.  
This did not sound like that.  
“If you’d rather talk to one of them, I can… help? Sort of?” Deceit offered again. His voice sounded raw.  
“No,” Patton reacted more out of disgust than rationality. “I don’t want to talk to an imposter.”  
That felt barbed. He saw Deceit sigh and almost felt bad.  
“Patton,” he started. “I’m not trying to hurt you-”  
“Then why are you here?!” Patton demanded, turning to him sharply and regretting it as the room spun and ended up collapsing forward onto the side.  
Deceit gasped a hissing breath, catching him, shaking his head.  
“You’ve been lying to everyone so much,” he told him, slipping an arm around his back which Patton weakly tried to shake off. He loved it, he wanted the touch, but he didn’t want it from _Deceit._  
“You may well be _literally dying,_ Patton, and I…” He looked away, and Patton watched him bite his lip. “I… you’re…”  
Patton sighed as well, and decided he didn’t care anymore, leaning into the embrace, burying his face in Deceit’s shoulder and pretending it was someone else, literally _anyone_ else.  
Deceit’s form rippled below him, and suddenly Logan was holding him.  
“How far will you go? To keep them in the dark?” he queried, a hand going to Patton’s hair and stroking it with surprising tenderness. “You’re only hurting yourself, you know.”  
Patton couldn’t mask his sob. Couldn’t keep himself from clinging to Deceit’s shoulders as he cried for the umpteenth time that week.  
“I refuse,” he gasped out. “I refuse to turn loving me into an obligation.”  
Deceit’s grip around him tightened.  
“If they want physical affection, then I’m here. But I won’t wring it out of them because I want it.”  
“Because you _need_ it, Patton,” Deceit corrected. “I can count your ribs. Why have you never told them?”  
“Because,” Patton stammered, not looking up. “How am I supposed to be able to look them in the eye? Logan, who doesn’t like to be touched? How will he internalise that? Virgil, who too much contact can overwhelm? I don’t want him to blame how he is for my state. And Roman? Roman, who’s trying so hard to keep us moving forward, to keep himself together?” Patton shook his head. “It’d destroy him.”  
“If it’s not working like it is, then maybe a change is necessary,” Deceit offered.  
“No!” Patton shouted, summoning the willpower to shove the side away. He nearly fell off his chair. “It’s working! It’s fine! I’m _fine!”_  
The silence was heavy.  
“Oh, Patton,” Deceit murmured, rubbing his face tiredly as he dropped his façade and turned back into himself. “We both know it’s _my_ job to lie.”  
Patton couldn’t stop shaking.  
“Get out,” he wheezed. “Get out of my room!”  
“Patton-”  
“GET OUT!”  
Patton threw his pillow after Deceit as the side rushed from the room, tightly wound. The door shut firmly behind him. His pillow bounced off the door uselessly.  
Patton nearly collapsed over the side of the bed from the follow-through of the throw.  
“Useless,” he growled to himself. “Useless, useless, _useless.”  
_He wanted to lie down again. Just lie down and sleep until he didn’t need to anymore, but his pillow was across the room and he couldn’t bare this room anymore.  
“The sofa,” Patton told himself. “I’ll go sleep on the sofa.”  
It’d probably be warmer, anyway, because Patton’s room tended to change temperature with his emotions, and right now, it was ice-cold. Because his phone told him it was four in the morning, and people wouldn’t be up and about yet.  
He gathered up a few of his blankets, his phone, his glasses, and stooped to pick up his pillow on the way out. He nearly fell over.  
But he didn’t. So that was nice.

He only really realised the issue with going and sleeping on the couch in his state whilst going down the stairs. Namely, the _stairs.  
_He had to get down the stairs.  
It was four in the morning. No one else was around. He’d shunned Deceit and everyone else was asleep.  
He was alone.  
Patton clung to the railing tightly and tried not to cry too loudly.  
He was _so_ alone.  
He was completely alone and it was _all his fault_ that he was. He was alone and it was all his fault and he was going to fall and die and ruin everything.  
He couldn’t stay here. On the stairs.  
He didn’t have enough energy to go back up the stairs.  
So, _logically_ , that left one option.  
“Go down the stairs, Patton,” he instructed himself, grip on his own wrist tightening painfully. “C’mon.”  
He went slowly, one hand clutching his bedding to his chest, the other gripping the bannister as tightly as he could.  
“One step, two step, red step, blue step,” he mumbled to himself as he lowered himself down slowly. “Just to the sofa, Patton.”  
One of his blankets was trying to fall out of the bundle.  
“No, no, don’t you dare,” Patton told it, fumbling to scoop it back in as he descended.

He wasn’t really sure what happened next.

If he had to guess, he’d say that the blanket ended up tangling around his feet and on his next step, his foot caught. He remembered a moment of weightless terror, where nothing more than a tiny sound escaped him, and then  
he fell.  
All he could remember was consciousness fading at the bottom, and what looked like red on the corner of the TV cabinet and his head _hurt_ and his chest _hurt_ and his stomach _hurt_ and he slipped from this world and into almost peaceful oblivion.

* * *

Logan was always the first to wake.  
Logan woke up, got showered and dressed, and was heading down the stairs in the morning at now roughly 7am when he froze at the top.  
“…Patton?”  
The limp form at the bottom of the stairs didn’t move.

The household was roused by a scream of pure terror that morning.

Virgil and Roman came stumbling out of their rooms at Logan’s scream. Even Deceit and Remus came running at the sound as Logan rushed down the stairs and knelt beside Patton.  
“Patton!”  
It felt surreal. There was blood. He must’ve have fallen and clocked his head.  
Logan turned his body over to examine and screamed again at how _light_ Patton was to move.  
“That… no!” he exclaimed, taking Patton’s cold, bony wrist and feeling for a pulse as the others thundered down the stairs. “No, no, _no!”_  
His heart was still beating.  
He was alive.  
Logan couldn’t steel himself to lift him.  
“R-Roman,” he called, unable to tear his eyes away from Patton’s lifeless face. “H-he’s still alive, c-can you pick him up and carry him to the sofa.”  
It didn’t come out a question, and he didn’t mean it to. Roman moved as ordered, staggering as he hefted him because no one should weigh that _little_.  
“Pat?” Virgil whispered, his hands over his mouth. “I-is… what happened?”  
“I don’t know,” Logan replied, sounding faint. “He was just… _there.”_  
“Looks like he got tangled on the way down,” Roman noted grimly, tugging the blankets out from Patton’s legs. “Where did you want him, teach?”

Logan quickly took charge, distancing himself as best as he could and was thankful no one mentioned the few tears that slipped down his face as he ordered people to fetch medical supplies and boil water and anything and everything he could think of.  
Roman laid him on the couch, and tucked one of the blankets around him, and the pillow under his poor head. Quickly, that wound was bandaged and compressed, and Logan found everyone looking at him for next orders.  
“I-I… I don’t…” he stammered, his hands raking through his hair. “I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what happened to him. I don’t know why…”  
He gasped for air and tried to calm himself down, following Virgil’s trusty breathing exercises.  
Deceit was staring at Patton’s limp form. He took a couple of hesitant steps towards him, before giving up any pretense and rushing over, taking Patton’s hand in a tight grip.  
“What did you do to yourself…?” he breathed, before his head turned to the rest of them. “He was fine three hours ago. Well, _fine_ is a subjective term in this situation, but he was in bed but awake three hours ago.”  
“How do you know?” Virgil growled, stepping towards him like he was about to throw the side out the window. Deceit’s gaze fell down to their joined hands.  
“We talked,” he stated. “Sort of. I tried to… He screamed at me. I…” His faced twisted with grief.  
“It’s not my secret to spill,” he whispered. “I think his decision is stupid but I respect his choices.”  
“What are you talking about?” Roman demanded. “Is…”  
His head turned to his brother, who was being remarkably quiet, staring at Patton.  
“Is something wrong with him?”  
His voice was soft.  
Remus’ head snapped towards Roman. He stared at him for a moment, before just nodding.  
Roman put his head in his hands. “Of course,” he mumbled to himself. “I should’ve seen it.”  
Logan was staring down at Patton, blinking furiously.  
“I don’t understand,” he stated, screwing up his face repeatedly. “He said he was eating. I watched him eat. Why is he so emaciated?”  
Virgil was hovering over Patton, glaring down at Deceit, who was shaking, but moved away.  
“Touch him,” he ordered, voice quavering. “It’s what he needs.”  
“What are you talking about?” Virgil bit, but took Patton’s hand none the less. It was cold and limp, in a way that scared him.  
“Real world phenomena affect us, as different parts of Thomas, differently. What have you been reading lately, Logan?”  
“Effects of touch starvation,” Logan recited, still raking his hands through his hair, before he froze.  
Everyone was staring at him.  
“Touch starvation,” he repeated, voice giving out on him. “Of course.”  
Everyone stared at Patton, who’s lips moved in the ghost of a moan.  
“We need to wake him up,” Roman said quietly. “We can’t help him if he’s unconscious.”  
“I could do that,” Remus offered.  
Virgil’s head snapped towards him, and if looks could kill, Remus would be dead where he stood.  
“You’re not coming anywhere **_near_ **him!” Virgil hissed, eyes glowing purple in the semi-darkness. “Don’t you dare fucking _touch him!”_  
Remus already had his hands in the air in surrender when Roman stepped between them.  
“Remus and I are your best bet for this sort of thing,” Roman snapped, most surprisingly rising to his brother’s defence.  
“Then _you_ do it, you dumbass prince!”  
“I _can’t!”_ Roman shouted, stomping his foot. The room shook with the emotional force of it.  
Everyone went silent.  
“I… I can only do _positive_ emotions,” he admitted, ducking his head. “I’m completely useless. But _Remus?”_  
“I don’t even have to touch him,” Remus jumped in, stepping around his brother. “Look, Patton’s such a delightful hub of negativity – has been for weeks – that’s it’s almost unbearable to stay away.”  
“So _you_ did this to him,” Virgil growled, taking Patton’s limp body in his arms.  
“I’m just a mosquito!” Remus exclaimed, stepping even further back, like he knew what would happen if Virgil so decided to lash out. “I’m just a mosquito and Patton is a blazing, festering light of poignant suffering. Don’t blame me.”  
His hands dropped.  
“ _I_ haven’t been ignoring him.”  
“Neither have we!” Virgil shouted back, tears spilling down his cheeks. “He’s been…! H-he’s… been…”  
Virgil turned away, cradling Patton close and he couldn’t stop his sobbing.  
“I’m sorry,” he cried. “Pat, I’m so sorry.”  
Remus crept closer, stealing past to sit by Patton’s feet.  
“You said you didn’t have to touch him,” Virgil snapped, clutching Patton protectively closer.  
“It’s harder to initiate that way.”  
“I don’t _care.”_  
“Virgil!” Logan snapped, rubbing his temple. “Let him do what he needs to.”  
Virgil’s mouth opened and closed repeatedly, outrage flushing his face, but in the end, he didn’t argue.  
“For Patton,” he grumbled.  
Remus, not balking under scrutiny but with surprising gentleness, placed his hand on Patton’s leg, and promptly slumped over, falling off the couch.

When Remus opened his eyes next, he was in a vast, open white space. And some distance away from him, was Patton. Curled up in a tiny ball on the ground, not making a sound.  
Remus made is way over, heeled boots clacking on the empty surface.  
“Not much for interior decorating, are you, eh, Patton?” he called out, heralding his arrival with the bubbly force that always accompanied the Duke.  
“Go away,” Patton replied. He sounded hollow. Empty.  
That explained the interior decorating.  
“No can do, partner,” Remus chirped, stepping over Patton and crouching in front of him. “I’m under direct orders to wake you up.”  
“I’m… asleep?”  
“More like knocked unconscious,” Remus mused, sitting down with a _plop_ beside Patton’s curled up form. “Apparently you fell down the stairs.”  
“Oh yeah,” Patton said hollowly. “I did, didn’t I?”  
“How’s the head?”  
“Hurts.”  
“Understandable, have a nice day,” Remus nodded, kicking back and crossing his ankles comfortably. “So why are you sitting here alone, crying?”  
“Because it’s better than going back out there,” Patton mumbled, staring into space. “I’m ruining it for everyone.”  
Remus laughed at that. “Pul _-lease!_ ” he exclaimed. “That’s _my_ job, Patsy.”  
Patton slowly uncurled from his ball and sat up, propping himself on one elbow and staring at Remus.  
“Why?” he asked. “Why are you here? Why are you helping me? I thought you enjoyed torturing me, but you _haven’t_ been doing that?”  
Remus shrugged.  
“You have a reason,” Patton noted. “I know you say you usually don’t, but you’re acting more like Roman right now. Why?”  
Remus froze at that.  
He opened his mouth to blurt an answer, before looking away. He seemed to take a while to formulate an answer.  
“My brother likes you,” he said finally. “What you do impacts… _us,_ a lot. The two of us, as Creativity. And when you’re… doing your thing, Roman adores the ground you walk on. You inspire him, more so than the others.”  
Remus fell back flat on his back, staring up at the non-existent sky.  
“And when Roman’s happy…” Remus started, and there was what Patton could almost call a _genuine_ smile on Remus’ face. “I think I am too. So it’s in my best interests to keep you around. A-and I owe it to my brother.”  
“What do you owe Roman?” Patton echoed in confusion.  
Remus frowned, face twisting in surprise like he hadn’t meant to say that last bit.  
“An… apology?” he offered, words limp in the dead air.  
There was a sadness to that.  
“An apology for what?” Patton pushed, sensing there was something, some genuine little emotions buried somewhere under all that disgusting bravado.  
Remus stared at him for a moment, before shaking his head.  
“That’s enough out of me,” he laughed, trying to end the topic there. He sat up briskly, extending a hand to Patton. “We need to get you back.”  
Patton stared at the hand, and shrunk away.  
“I’m just going to be a burden, Remus,” he told him. “I don’t _want_ to go back. I don’t want to see what you showed me. I don’t want Virgil to cry over me and Logan to scream and Roman to wonder what he did wrong.”  
Remus popped his lips awkwardly and tapped his fingers on his chin.  
“Here’s the _thing,_ Patso,” he crowed nervously. “That _may_ already be happening, so why-”  
Patton buried his head in his hands.  
“I can’t even fucking die right!” he screamed, falling backwards.  
Remus recoiled at the _hatred_ in Patton’s voice.  
“I can’t do _anything_ right,” Patton cried again, his voice so wobbly and broken. “I can’t go back now, Remus. Not after I broke everything.”  
“I don’t understand,” Remus countered. “You didn’t do _anything_ at all! You sat there and let yourself waste away as everyone lived _around_ you. There was literally nothing you did that broke anything? I should know. I’m a master of breaking things. And people. Mostly me, though.”  
Patton had peeled his hands off his eyes and was watching Remus with the most confused, concerned look in his eyes.  
“What?”  
“Are you okay?” Patton asked.  
Remus blinked at that. “Am I-?” he parroted, in surprise. “Am I… _okay?”_  
His gaze wandered as he tried to formulate a reply.  
“I don’t think anyone’s asked me that in _literal_ years,” he mused. “Am I okay? Am _I_ okay? Most likely not, if we’re honest.”  
Patton snorted at that. “Mood.”  
“Well,” Remus offered his hand again. “I suggest we go back and be not-okay burdens on society together. We might get something done, then.”  
Patton laughed at his wording.  
“Maybe,” he agreed. “But I’m not looking forward to it.”  
“Oh, neither am I,” Remus agreed whole-heartedly. “I don’t think I’ve been this lucid in years. And I don’t think I will be again anytime soon.”  
Patton sat up properly and knelt in front of Remus.  
“Then, whilst we remember,” Patton said, extending his hand too. “Thank you, Remus.”  
Remus smiled, a big, excited, puppy-dog smile.  
“The least I could do, for my biggest inspiration,” he smiled, and grasped Patton’s hand firmly. “Let’s scram.”

Patton woke with a gasp, flailing slightly as someone’s arms tightened around him. “Remus…!” he choked out.  
“Elephant sex! Spider penis!” came a ungodly shriek from the floor. “Jumping out a seventh story window!”  
Roman was by Remus’ side, helping him up, escorting him away, trying to wrestle him away, but Remus was fighting him, surprisingly, a constant confusing stream of disjointed inner monologue streaming out of his mouth.  
“L-let him stay,” Patton stammered, not registering anything but the fact someone’s _arms were around him_ and everything _hurt_ and Remus was being led away? “I-it’s bright.”  
Somewhere, a light switched off as Patton buried his face in something soft, black and _purple.  
_“Virge?”  
“Yeah, Pat,” came the breathless whimper. “It’s me.”  
Patton’s empty hand came up to clutch at his shoulder. “You’re here,” he whispered in awe. “You’re here and you’re touching me. I don’t want to overwhelm you, kiddo. Let go when you need to, okay? D-don’t hurt yourself, please.”  
“I _never_ want to let you go,” Virgil sobbed, hugging him tighter, and a rush of warmth finally began to chip away at the cold in Patton’s bones. “Patton, oh my god, I was so scared.”  
Another warm body came and sat by his legs, and a hand rested on his hip. Patton turned his head to look at Logan, who’s eyes were red from crying and had such a small, precious reserved smile that was all for _him._  
Patton reached out towards him, and Logan caught his hand immediately. He pressed it to his _lips,_ stealing Patton’s feeble breath away.  
“I’m sorry,” he said, and he sounded so close to weeping. “I should’ve seen it sooner, Patton. I’m _so_ sorry.”  
“Seen what?” Patton grimaced, the movement making his head spin. “I-I don’t understand.”  
“Your touch starvation,” Logan said, gripping his hand tightly between his two.  
“Oh,” Patton said, face falling, “that.”  
“Yes,” Roman agreed, coming over and threading his hand through Patton’s hair, leaning in to place a little kiss on Patton’s forehead. “That.”  
“I-I didn’t want to burden y’all,” Patton rushed, trying to sit up, but Virgil made a sound of indignation and didn’t get to far. “This… this is _love,_ not an obligation. I’m not a _job,_ I’m your family!”  
Two minutes in and he was already crying.  
“I didn’t want to… to…”  
“Shh,” Logan hushed, kissing his knuckles again. “Loving you could _never_ be an obligation, Patton Sanders.”  
“I don’t care what mood I’m in,” Virgil growls out, trying to avoid having his tears fall on Patton’s face and failing somewhat. “Almost every time, Patton cuddles are the best thing to fix someone up. I’m so sorry I made it seem like I didn’t want to be touched at all.”  
Roman pet his hair rhythmically, steadily, focusing on that motion to keep the tears away.  
“I failed you,” he murmured, voice thick. “Padre, I’m so sorry I let you down like this.”  
Patton shook his head.  
“This is why I didn’t want to say,” he whimpered. “Because you guys just internalise this sort of stuff. “It’s not your fault! It’s not!”  
“It’s not _yours,_ either,” Virgil snapped, placing desperate little kisses all over Patton’s face. “It’s not _your_ fault that we starved you.”  
Patton tried to argue, tried to grab Virgil’s hoodie but he was overcome by giggles because he was surrounded by love and affection and _touch_ and it felt like water to the dying, like food to the starving, and all he could choke out was  
_“thank you!”_

Deceit was sitting off to the side with Remus, rubbing a comforting hand across the duke’s shoulders as he babbled about something, the odd intensity he had been showing the past few weeks gone. But he was crying. Crying and listing off different ways to die, which were focussing more and more on heart-related deaths until Remus grabbed Deceit by the elbows and forced him to face him, eyes wild and tears streaking down his face.  
“Heart falling down the stairs!” he cried. “Heart… heart falling!”  
Realisation hit Deceit like a brick.  
“Patton’s okay,” he said firmly, gripping his arms and staring with enough intensity that hopefully it came through. “Patton’s awake.”  
That seemed to satisfy Remus, who smiled and sat back and stared up at the ceiling, proceeding to make random vocalisations that only really added to the atmosphere.  
“Deceit!” he heard Patton call weakly.  
“Yes?”  
“Is Remus okay?” Patton’s eyes were shining.  
“Yes,” Deceit said, rubbing Remus’ shoulder. “He’s alright.”  
“Deceit?”  
“Yes, Patton?”  
“I’m sorry for shouting at you,” he said, reaching out his last free hand out under Virgil’s arm and over to Deceit. “You were right. I’m sorry.”  
“It’s okay,” Deceit said softly, not moving from his spot.  
Patton made grabby-hands at him, whining softly.  
Deceit’s face melted into surprise, and he slowly advanced, taking that hand with reverence.  
“Remus will be okay?” Patton asked again, looking between Deceit and Roman for an answer.  
“He will be,” Deceit confirmed. “I know it. He always bounces back.”  
“He’s good like that,” Roman agreed, smoothing Patton’s hair and smiling over at his brother, who gave him a shaky thumbs up. “I’ll check on him later.”  
“Your brother really cares about you,” Patton gasped out, tilting his head into Roman’s touches. “He told me.”  
Roman’s hand faltered for a moment. “I know,” he whispered back. “And I do too. I don’t tell him enough.”  
“You should go look after him now,” Patton told him, reflecting on the loneliness in Remus’ smile. “I’m not going anywhere.”  
“Damn straight you’re not,” Logan agreed.  
“Damn _gay_ more like,” Patton joked, wheezing with laughter.  
Logan rolled his eyes as Virgil laughed, hugging him even tighter. “You’re okay,” he gasped out. “Oh you’re going to be alright. You’ll never have to be alone again, I _promise.”  
_Patton frowned, rolling his head towards Virgil so he could nuzzle closer. “You don’t have to promise me that,” he said.  
“I’m _promising_ that I’ll be there for you so I can be held accountable,” Virgil informed him. “I’m not trying to lie to you to make you feel better, Pat. I love you, yaknow?”  
Patton choked up.  
“Yeah,” he squeaked out. “I do. Me too, kiddo. I love all y’all so much.”  
He felt Deceit’s grip on his hand weaken at that.  
_“All_ y’all,” he repeated, squeezing his hand. “I’m sorry, Dee.”  
“I forgive you,” Deceit whispered back. “What do you want now?”  
“I don’t want to move,” Patton sighed happily. “Also my head hurts and I think the room is still spinning. Can I stay here?”  
“Absolutely,” Logan agreed immediately. “We’ll put some movies on, build a pillow fort and I’ll make breakfast. We’re going to look after you from now on, I _swear.”_ At that, he pressed another kiss into his knuckles and rose to his feet, carefully setting Patton’s hand back down on his chest.  
Patton smiled. Patton smiled widely because they might just have been able to convince him he was worth the effort.  
Virgil moved him so he was sitting with Patton in his lap, curled up against him as Roman scrounged around for the sweetest, fluffiest movies he could before he and Remus curled up together on the floor as Logan and Deceit banged around in the kitchen, cooking.

And for the first time in forever?

Patton felt _alive._

**Author's Note:**

> hey yall so the positive feedback that flooded in overnight for me has literally gotten me out of bed like nothing else has and i'm so happy yall like it????? My thanks to all who liked the intro enough to ask to read the full thing here, the follow-through means a lot
> 
> i think this link might take you back to the og post if you so desire https://www.tumblr.com/dashboard/blog/djpurple3/186440285922
> 
> also i'm fully aware that title is awful but it came to me in a flash of divine inspiration and i cannot turn it down


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